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Simon
"Simon, please stomp" - Anonymous Early Life Born in Lithuania in the early years of the 1990s. Simon would go on to become one of the most patrician and worldly individuals to ever grace /v/ chat with his knowledge of the arts, culture, language, agriculture, and photography. Truly Simon was a god among plebs. Simon discovered /v/ chat in the brisk days of 2012. At this time in Simon's life he was living with his abused brother; Simon was known to tie his brother up and suspend him on a meathook, using him as a punching bag to practice whatever martial art he was studying at the time. Simon always put advancing his physical form and agility above all other aspects of life, for he knew that keeping your body at its peak was the true key to success. Another staple of Simon's existence was always having a steady supply of fresh fruit and vegetables. Unfortunately for Simon, his brother wasn't the most considerate of people, and didn't keep his apartment fully stocked at all times to meet Simon's demands. Simon corrected this error by destroying all of his brother's prized plants which he kept on his balcony. Simon did this not out of anger, but out of necessity. For it was necessary to make room for the complex multi-layered garden Simon had concocted within the labyrinth that is his mind. Simon knew his brother would understand the sacrifice that would be made, and in the end, it paid off. Simon was now in possession of all the raw spinach and white mulberries he would ever need. Due to Simon's new pipeline of nutrition his brain and cardiovascular system were now at their most promising state. An unforeseen consequence of Simon's bustling garden was the contempt that Simon's brother showed for it. Simon could sense something, but he knew his brother was weak and wouldn't attempt anything outrageous. This may have been Simon's greatest and only mistake in all of his life. One day upon returning from a wine tasting and a quick trip to an art dealer to sell one of the pictures he had taken on a leisurely stroll through the woods that very afternoon, he found his garden completely destroyed. Understandably Simon was furious, but not openly. Simon expressed his emotions inwardly, for he knew that to show anger, pain, or sadness was a weakness, that any of his countless enemies would exploit. Almost instantaneously upon discovering the ruin that was his former garden, he turned around and headed straight for his brother's room, at a steady pace. Simon after having trained in countless fighting styles over the years had discovered certain secrets as to how energy is formed and expensed. Armed with this information, Simon executed an own palm strike at the center of his brother's door, completely vaporising it and leaving only a small pile of debris where it had been. The sudden shockwave of energy had awoken Simon's sleeping brother, to a now, surreal nightmare. Simon had never done anything of this sort before, but he knew he would never be respected or garner admiration, if he allowed betrayal to stand. Simon thusly snapped his brother's neck like a twig. Leaving him a quadriplegic. Simon showed mercy on that day. His brother knew he could've killed him, but he spared his life, for this, he was thankful. A Life Abroad After all of this Simon grew bored of his home country. He wanted to learn more, see more, do more. Simon did the only thing that made sense to him. Simon would move to the United Kingdom. Simon, of course, would not do anything without having some kind of plan in order. Simon used his /v/ chat connections to arrange a meet-up with its UK-bound members. Among these included: Fed, Smug, and Hannz. Simon knew he had to appear more human in order to not frighten his newfound companions. This meant he would have to smile, laugh, and show excitement for the most trivial of pleasures, instead of the slow methodical nature he is accustomed to. This meet-up was, of course, a ruse. A ruse to acquire knowledge of this country and its inhabitants. Simon used this opportunity to analyse each individual in his presence. Smug was the most charismatic one, but there was something about him that made Simon boil with anger, almost as if he could snap at any moment and end Smug's existence. Hannz was the strongest, Simon knew a confrontation with him could leave him at a serious disadvantage. Lastly, Fed. Fed was the weakest of the three, he was a bit slow and it didn't appear as if all the lights were on upstairs. Simon would use this to his advantage. After the gathering had concluded Simon took it upon himself to follow Fed home. Fed could feel a presence following him, but could see or hear nothing. Using his vast array of skills, Simon entered Fed's home undetected, at least he was until he entered Fed's room. Fed was frightened. Simon slept well that night Over the following months Simon would take in the beauty and scope of the UK. From enjoying the sprawling countryside, to playing polo on horseback, photographing the old architecture, even preying on the homeless in the urban metropolis of London. Nothing was outside of Simon's reach. Thanks to Fed, Simon was kept nourished and well-rested. Simon would practice his shadowboxing in the morning, while Fed prepared a serving of oatmeal and berries to start Simon's day. In the afternoon Simon could usually be found fly fishing for the night's feast in one of the many streams. And in the evening Fed cooked Simon's catch, while Simon read poetry nearby. Fed was not always on schedule with Simon's meals, which lead to Simon being forced to punish Fed. Punishment from Simon would normally entail Fed being tied to a chair while Simon perfected the speed of his roundhouse kick. Simon knew this would eventually lead to permanent brain damage for Fed, but it was the price he had to pay for his mistakes and the wasted time Simon had to endure. Eventually Simon realised that to further his goals of self-perfection and to achieve a standing monument in the alleys of time, he would have to fully embrace currency. Simon read through countless books on commerce, finance, and international trades. Simon concluded he would have to invest his time in pursuing steady employment within a bank. The source of his wants. Simon had a plan. Unfortunately for Fed, he didn't fit into them. Before Simon left he delivered one final kick to Fed's noggin, leaving him with permanent amnesia concerning the past months. Fed would return to his wageslave job as if his chance meeting with Simon had never accrued. While Simon had booked a flight for Lithuania. He was coming home. The Patrician After having spent nearly a year in the UK, Simon was glad to finally return to his home country of Lithuania. Simon enjoyed his time in the UK, it was a learning experience for him, but in the end, it was foreign and alien. He knew Lithuania like the back of his hand, which meant he was able to correctly execute his plans of success, and to finally capture his dream of perfection and turn it into reality. For Simon's plan to work he would need a card to play. He would need his brother. Luckily for Simon, his brother was still living at the same residence that he left him. Simon's brother's reaction to seeing Simon after all those months of pain and suffering; learning to live without the use of one's legs and arms, was one of terror. A cold sweat washed over him as Simon told him of his plan to enter the banking world. He knew Simon would not relent and that it was pointless to even question him, and he was still thankful that Simon did not leave him comatose. He would help him. Simon knew that for his masterpiece to come together, it would require an emotional connection. By using his brother to garner sympathy, his entry into the largest bank in Lithuania would be a sure thing. Unfortunately for Simon's brother he had bought a highly advanced mobile chair to help him move around. This would not do. Simon's brother thought he had already lost everything and there was nothing Simon could take from him anymore except his life. He was wrong. Simon quickly dumped his brother off of his prized possession and made short work of it with a nearby sledgehammer. His brother showed no emotion as this took place, the last piece of him was dying inside. After Simon had thoroughly demolished the motorised chair, he placed his brother on an old wooden wheelchair he had acquired from an old man who made the mistake of crossing Simon earlier that same day. As Simon strolled into the bank with his disabled brother being wheeled infront of him, he showed a hint of satisfaction with a minor smirk, undetectable, unless you were looking for it. Thanks to Simon's convincing over-the-phone interview he was able to secure an in-person meeting with the manager of the bank. Simon, of course, was a mathematical genius. He had developed many theories in his pastime, and had received multiple grants. He was a man of numbers. This coupled with a tale of coming from an impoverished home and having to take care of his sick brother were enough to gain him employment. Simon was finally moving up in the world. Unfortunately for Simon, his boss was Jewish. He didn't know it yet, but he was now stuck in the wageslave life. Category:Chat Regulars Category:Professional Shitposter Category:Ex-Moderation